-
- Since reading Ray Peat's work and drastically improving my wellbeing, something that had been declining for years, I've
- been thinking more and more often about the phenomenon of learned helpless and its relevance to my life. Sometimes,
- looking back to past times is useful to help reorient yourself in the present and aim towards a more desirable future.
- Sometimes, a new perspective or experience might instantly obliterate previous behaviour without any sort of concerted
- mental or physical grunt to eradicate it.
-
-
- On the flipside, I have sometimes hopelessly tried to forcefully change my behaviour, employing all the en vogue self-help tricks
- to form long-term habits, only to practically immediately lose them not long afterwards. These kinds of experiences remind me of those
- hypnosis advertisements that claim to have you give up smoking after just a few sessions; sometimes it's even after just one visit. There's no short
- supply of stories of miracle cures or sudden, permanent breaks of addiction. Cold-turkey clean cuts that seem to arise with no obvious
- effort on the part of the addict, no signs of worn willpower.
-
-
- When I was sixteen I spent six weeks abroad in a small town called Marburg in Hesse, Germany. Those six weeks were spent
- living with a new family along with my exchange student, who had lived six weeks with me and my family just prior to my
- arrival in Germany. Six weeks of school, new acquaintances, a new language (albeit one I had been "studying" in the
- Australian school system) and unfamiliar cultural quirks.
-
-
- It was a barrage of stimulation, I came home every day from school and would collapse, totally exhausted, onto my
- exchange student's bed, which was mine for the duration of the stay. It's not like I was actually expected to
- learn anything or do any homework whilst I was at school here—I was basically on holidays and could really
- have just treated it as such. Plenty of my own friends who had taken a similar trip certainly did. I'm not manyt of them
- learnt or used much German beyond Wo ist McDonalds?. But I had been gradually becoming more fascinated with the
- structure of German before arriving. Once there, especially at that age I presume, the Deutsch on the blackboard in
- biology class looked more like a sophisticated puzzle game than a complete drag of a memorisation task. Each day was a
- new game of deductive guesswork, and better still, I got to play with new ideas about how the language works every day
- in the schoolyard with new friends I was making. New ways to describe how things are situated and move in relation to
- one another, mysterious new prefixes and other linguistic building blocks, and the insane backwards word order of German
- provided unlimited entertainment to see if I was up to the challenge.
-
-
- On top of this, I was in the grade just above mine back home in Australia. Whilst that really shouldn't have made much
- difference, the amount of responsibility and independece these kids were allowed to exercise at sixteen or seventeen was
- nothing short of amazing to my adolescent self. I had never seen anything like it. Some of my classmates would stand out
- the front of school during lunchtime and smoke a couple of cigarettes with their own teachers, something that still to
- this day I find kind of insane. It certainly would never have been acceptable back at home. Starting in the senior
- school, you were allowed to just leave and go home if you didn't have class on, as long as you were back in time. And we
- did. School uniforms simply weren't part of the culture either. For everyone else perhaps stressful and another target
- of the cruel status games of teenagerhood, but for me it was like every day was casual dress day back home. To top it
- all off, the legal drinking age in Germany is sixteen, at least for wine, beer, and other weaker drinks.
-
-
- These classmates of mine were running their own meetings headed by the Klassensprecher, the class representatives, and they actually seemed cool, like people I would like to hang out and befriend. They were
-
-
diff --git a/public/blog/content/poof-and-its-gone.html b/public/blog/content/poof-and-its-gone.html
new file mode 100644
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@@ -0,0 +1,105 @@
+
+
+ Since reading Ray Peat's work and drastically improving my wellbeing—something that had been declining for years—I've
+ been thinking more and more often about the phenomenon of learned helplessness and its relevance in my own life. Sometimes,
+ looking back to past times can be useful to help reorient yourself in the present. In doing so you're better equipped to
+ aim towards a more desirable future. Sometimes, a new perspective or experience might instantly obliterate previous
+ behaviour without any sort of concerted mental or physical grunt to eradicate it.
+
+
+ On the flipside, I have sometimes hopelessly tried to forcefully change my behaviour, employing all the en vogue
+ self-help tricks to form long-term habits, only to lose them just as quickly as they formed in the months that would
+ follow. These kinds of experiences remind me of those hypnosis advertisements that claim to have you give up smoking
+ after just a few sessions; sometimes it's even after just one visit. There's no short supply miracle cure stories
+ or reports of sudden, permanent breaks in addiction. Cold-turkey clean cuts that seem to arise with no obvious effort on
+ the part of the addict, no signs of worn willpower.
+
+
+ When I was sixteen I spent six weeks abroad in a small town called Marburg in Hesse, Germany. Those six weeks were spent
+ living with a new family along with my exchange student, Arne, who had been staying with my family for the six weeks
+ prior. Those were six exciting weeks of school, new acquaintances, a new language (albeit one I had been "studying" in
+ the Australian school system) and unfamiliar cultural quirks.
+
+
+ It was a barrage of stimulation, I came home every day from school and would collapse, totally exhausted, onto my
+ exchange student's bed, which was graciously mine to use for the duration of the stay. It's not like I was actually expected to
+ learn anything or do any homework whilst I was at school here—I was basically on holidays and could really
+ have just treated it as such. Plenty of my own classmates who had been on a very similar trip certainly did. I'm not sure many of them
+ learnt or used much German beyond "Wo ist McDonalds?" I, on the other hand, thanks to a romantic summer fling,
+ had been gradually becoming more fascinated with the structure of German before arriving. Once there, especially at that
+ age I presume, the Deutsch on the blackboard looked more like a sophisticated puzzle game than a
+ complete drag of a memorisation task. Each day was a new game of deductive guesswork, and better still, I got to play
+ with new ideas about how the language works every day in the schoolyard with the new friends I was making. New ways to
+ describe how things are situated in space, adverbs for how they move in relation to one another, mysterious new prefixes and other quaint linguistic
+ quirks, like the insane backwards word order of German, provided unlimited entertainment to see if I was up to
+ the challenge. I practically spent all my time in class ogling the immaculate chalk handwriting of the various teachers,
+ trying to work out what on Earth was going on. For some strange reason, it was a kind of bliss.
+
+
+ On top of this, I was in the grade just above mine back home in Australia. Whilst that really shouldn't have made much
+ difference, the amount of responsibility and independence these kids were allowed to exercise at sixteen or seventeen was
+ nothing short of amazing to my adolescent self. I had never seen anything like it. Some of my classmates would stand out
+ the front of school during lunchtime and smoke a couple of cigarettes with their own teachers, something I find kind of insane
+ still to this day; it certainly would never have been acceptable back at home. Starting in the senior
+ school, you were allowed to just leave and go home if you didn't have anywhere to be, so long as you were back in time
+ for class. And we did. School uniforms simply weren't part of the culture either. For everyone else this perhaps just meant stressful decision making,
+ another way to play the oft cruel status games of teenagerhood, but for me it was like every day was casual dress day back
+ home. To top it all off, the legal drinking age in Germany is sixteen, at least for wine, beer, and other weaker drinks.
+
+
+ These classmates of mine were running their own meetings headed by the Klassensprecher, the class
+ representatives, and much unlike similar candidates back home, they actually seemed cool, they seemed like people I
+ might like to hang out with and befriend. Alongside making decision making about general school organisation, they would
+ organise class bus trips, we saw a local band comprised of kids from the local schools, and for the first time I drank
+ alcohol with everybody, just hanging out and left to our own devices. It was a sense of freedom and self-responsibility
+ that wasn't afforded to me by the school system back home. Increasingly Australia, and especially Victoria, from which I
+ hail, is branded as a "nanny state", and my experiences in Germany reinforce that.
+
+
+ I really felt like I was in the midst of some sort of Hollywood production, an atmosphere that didn't quite seem tangible in
+ Australia. The intersection in the Venn diagram of taking on of responsibility and having free reign was
+ vanishingly small amongst teenagers. Either you wagged class and/or did drugs, or obediently followed the rules. As the
+ years went by, the fine line between the two seemed to vanish further and further, at least from where I was standing.
+
+
+ Back in Australia, a routine had begun to solidify itself leading up to this trip. It was a routine of coming home,
+ maybe doing homework, and then browsing Reddit and playing hours of Team Fortress 2. I had racked up an impressive 2000
+ hours in-game. It seemed fairly inconsequential to me, and my high school friends, unlike primary school, were mostly
+ fragmented, and so on weeknights I didn't find myself hanging out with many people regularly. I did try to get Team Fortress
+ working on the old computer my host family had in Germany, just for fun, but to no avail. However, even whilst
+ attempting to get it set up, something about it began to seem like an entirely futile endeavour.
+
+
+ When I arrived back in Australia, it was as if a switch had been flipped. I all but stopped playing Team
+ Fortress, a regular staple of my free time. Practically overnight it seemed to have turned from being an incredibly
+ seductive way to pass the time to being a colossal waste of it. I just stopped playing cold turkey, and as far as I could tell, no
+ effort went in to the dissolution of that habit whatsoever.
+
+
+ I'm not exactly sure what facet of my overseas trip pushed me to change my behaviour so effortlessly, but I think it was
+ the culmination of the incredibly enriched environment. As I have looked back on those times over the past few years, especially since
+ discovering Ray, I can't help but think that I found myself in a "rat park" experiment during that time. Or I perhaps I was one of the rats
+ looking on, watching as others were freed from certain death by drowning. My habits in Australia suddenly seemed dull and useless, like I was stuck in
+ what the Germans call a goldener Käfig or gilded cage; basically trapped in a environment forged by
+ my own riches and good intentions. Participating in the foreign exchange program widened my horizons. I could see that, indeed, what
+ I was missing out on was possible, and I had the power to change my lifestyle.
+
+
+ It would be nice if I could now say that I've since enjoyed a deeply enriched life and everything has been hunky dory, but alas
+ I wouldn't be a fan of Ray's if I didn't encounter a struggle or two along the way. But I seems to have profoundly changed the course of my
+ life for the better. Ever since then, I've found it extremely difficult to waste my days away without having a
+ sense of direction in my life. Though this has, some times more than others, been a source of anxiety. I certainly don't think I
+ would have found it so simple to move abroad and continue to learn German whilst living, studying, and working in Munich for
+ several years like I have been if I had never gone on that trip.
+
+
+ So I guess, in that respect, watching your fellow rats have a good time, in real life, might just get you to settle for
+ no less. One look at those old menial habits and—poof—they're gone. And for that I'm grateful.
+
+
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@@ -4,14 +4,8 @@